This tutorial by Mélanie Wanga on how to apologise is a gem. I’ve listened to it at least 200 times. It’s short, to the point and it’s helped me, more than anyone else, to question the way in which I used to apologise, both in the professional world and to those close to me.
I highly recommend it and I decided to provide an English translation (below).
For all those who know they’ve screwed up but have never learned to apologise, or who aren’t sure how to do it, here are a few recommendations.
What not to do: minimize your actions.
To the people who have felt targeted here or elsewhere for the past eleven years due to one or more of my mocking remarks…
Boom 🎶
When you’ve hurt someone, you’ve caused pain. Your action has led to suffering. So now isn’t really the time to downplay that act with linguistic twists that distance you from reality.
In the case of the “Ligue du Lol,” it involves harassment, denigration, and persistence. Therefore, these are the terms the “loleurs” should have used in their apologies, rather than expressions like “awkward remarks” “targeted obsession” or “mocking jabs” which are completely inappropriate.
What to do: acknowledge what you’ve done
Yeah 🎶
The person you’re apologizing to expects you to name the facts. Be straightforward about them. When you step on someone’s foot, it’s not accidentally pressing on the end of a person unintentionally. You stepped on someone’s foot.
The injured person needs to see that you understand what happened, what took place. So muster your courage, even if it scares you, and name what you did.
I harassed you.
I attacked you.
I hurt you.
I lied to you.
What not to do: taking responsibility away
Back then I was young. Twitter was something else. I have the impression that I was a hater, a loner rather than a leader. I felt I belonged to something.
Boom 🎶
Taking no responsibility was the main flaw in the apologies made by the members of the Ligue du Lol. They’ve covered everything: their age, their geographical origin, their frustrations… but this has nothing to do with their participation in mass harassment. Thousands of people are in these situations and yet they didn’t harass anyone.
Taking responsibility away is when you feel too guilty about what you’ve done and you start looking for reasons why you acted as you did. And… that’s not what an apology is about. The apology is about the other person, not you.
What to do: recognise your responsibility
Yeah 🎶
If you’ve done what you’ve done, it’s because somewhere, deep down, you wanted to. Whatever the environment, you are the person responsible.
You have to accept this and not look for extenuating circumstances because they are not what the person you are apologising to expects, nor what they need.
It’s all my fault, I took that decision and I regret it.
What not to do: talk about your personal context.
At the time, I came from the suburbs and had no contacts in Paris. I already loved stand-up and, frustrated at not being able to do it, I was pouring out my jokes on the internet.
Boom 🎶
Your personal circumstances aren’t the point, in fact, certainly not when you spend more time detailing them than making a genuine apology.
What to do: talk about the effects on the victim
Yeah 🎶
A good apology speaks of the destructive effects of the act on the victim. Think about it and ask yourself what your action took away from the person: their well-being, their confidence, their joy… What were the effects?
If you’re struggling, now’s the time to empathise and imagine how you would feel if you were in your victim’s shoes.
I understand that what I did prevented you from doing this or that. I imagine you felt humiliated, betrayed, isolated.
What not to do: clear your name
To anyone who may have felt affected.
The way you experienced things.
To those who are still suffering from trauma.
To anyone who might have been affected.
Boom 🎶
First thing: don’t say you are sorry. You’re apologising to your victim, it’s not about yourself.
And another classic mistake is that you don’t apologise if you’ve hurt someone. You apologise for your actions. Your apology is sincere and has value because you are questioning your act in itself and you are sorry for having committed it, whatever the consequences. So you apologise unconditionally.
On the other hand, you don’t blame others for the consequences, as if the problem were the victim’s perception, reactions or feelings.
What to do: offer a genuine apology
I ask for your forgiveness.
I apologise.
Please forgive me.
Please excuse me.
Yeah 🎶
All these expressions highlight what is happening. The fact that you have realised that you have committed a hurtful act, that you have understood its impact and that you are apologising.
On the other hand, your victim’s forgiveness is not owed to you.
All you can do is offer your sincere apologies as best you can. And then you can promise not to do it again.